
„Maybe it did take a crisis to get to know yourself; maybe you needed to get whacked hard by life before you understood what you wanted out of it.“ Jodi Picoult
Let me start with the story about my own “personal crisis”: It was end of 2018 and I just recently moved abroad for my master studies in Stockholm. The first thing I learned was that the Scandinavian winters are as tough as they say -it gets dark at 2pm which means you get 7h of daylight (at best). In addition to the very low energy level due to the daylight deprivation, I was running out of money, the exams did not go that well, I had not secured a summer internship (like most of my fellow students already had) and the Swedish girl I seriously dated for some time (back then I eventually thought this would be something for the ages) ended it from one day to the next because she had unfinished business with her ex.
There I was: heartbroken, in a financial turmoil, no job prospects, in the darkness of cold Stockholm; in summary, at one of the lowest points in my life. During that time I started to think a lot about how and why this all could have happened. While trying to get my mind of the topic by various activities, I also started to listen to podcasts and read books that partly covered self development topics – not consciously to help myself, but actually merely by accident to be honest. The more I engaged in these topics, the more I reflected on the last months, the “relationship”, on my behavior and my self talk – or in short: on my whole life. This was the time I developed my passion for self development and psychological topics and the starting point that has led me here.
During this time of self-reflection, I was introduced to a variety of new thoughts as well as ideas and my perception began to change. One of the first things I discovered was that the questions we are asking ourselves and the way we talk to ourselves matter so much more than anyone could imagine. It ultimately determines what we focus on therefore impacting our whole emotional state significantly. Btw let me ask you: What was great about your day so far? Now you presumably thought about something nice that happened today and it shifted your focus towards more positive things. However, what would have happened if I would have asked “what was bad about your day”? (let that sink in)
What I also learned during that time is that everything we do, we think, the emotions we feel, how we act and react to outside influences is all based on primarily 3 levers: 1) our environment, e.g. family, friends, school etc. 2) our previous experiences in life and 3) on the beliefs and values that we inherit. All of a sudden I recognized the reasons why I, for example, feel angry in certain situations and happy in other ones and that these emotional reactions are obviously not the same for everyone. I understood that there is no reality – at best there is a subjective one – and that every human being is wired in a different way (based on the 3 levers) therefore reacting totally different to the exact same external “effect” (take the wide-spread example of seeing the glass half full or half empty – same thing but different perception; or that some people like rain why others hate it – same “objective” external effect yet different feeling about it). Realizing these things helped me to connect with people on a deeper level, now (often) being able to escape my “automatic responses” such as judging others or letting my emotions take over. The reason for these inadequate responses often is our different belief system that make us perceive an action, a sentence or a even a simple gesture in a totally different way. Such differences in perception in turn can result in misinterpretation of situations and arguments which can worsen our relationships in the long-term . The solution from my perspective: be aware of how you feel or interpret something while the situation is happening and acknowledge that most of the time the intention of someone´s action is different from how we actually perceive it (I know easier said than done – you will find more on awareness in the next post).
In this context I want to introduce a concept that is about flexibility, change and crisis. The long story short: flexibility is highest in times of crisis therefore allowing to change radically. This holds for most areas in our world – the economy, politics and of course our private life, just to name a few. Before going more into detail, I just want you to think about how significantly the world has changed in the last decades. What was the reason for that? May it be possible that the changes coincided with global crises? If so, why is that? Let me give you two recent examples 1) the climate change and 2) Covid 19.
1) Climate Change: The signs of an environmental crisis have never been more clear. From tsunamis in Southeast Asia, wildfires and floods in Australia to hurricanes in the US. In the wake of these wide-spread events (I mean even here in Germany the agriculture industry has huge problems due to the dry weather which can be seen as kind of a crisis) we needed to adapt and have finally changed our thinking about the environment and the exploitation of our world. Without such crises, we eventually would have continued until the world would not have been habitable anymore. In the course of these events, we have started to explore new ways to produce energy and changed the infrastructure of our economy in order to become “green”. In addition, many of us have shifted to a more conscious and healthy lifestyle. Look at all the vegan and organic stuff we find in our stores or all the new restaurants offering superfoods and meat replacement.
2) Covid 19: At the time I am writing this we are all in the midst of an unprecedented global pandemic. Our whole way of living has changed in the last few months and many believe that most things will never go back to the “old normal”. From changes in the travel & health care sector to shifts in our private & business lives, Covid 19 will constitute another paradigm shift in the world. As devastating as this crisis may be it brought change to us that eventually was necessary. Many nations will have to rethink their health care system given that such worldwide diseases may happen again over the next decades hopefully improving public health. Besides, many corporates were forced to finally introduce WFH policies which will impact our ways of working and therefore our work life balance tremendously in the future. I could go on and on how Covid 19 changed and will change our life, however I leave it there (for now).
The examples clearly show that crisis somehow creates change. But how does it actually happen? Pulitzer-Prize winner Charles Duhigg (author of the famous books The Power of Habit and Smarter Better Faster) said in an interview with Tony Robbins that our flexibility is heavily reduced by our habits since we automatically respond to a situation in a certain way (which we were conditioned to by our environment) and that the perception of a crisis actually creates moments of flexibility. This not only holds for individuals but also for companies or even nations, all of whom are having certain habits (e.g. WFH, public health practices of a country, energy infrastructure of a country, use of old school IT systems instead of the new digital ways, old school marketing vs. social media). Let me introduce the example of the kings cross incident to explain how acting automatically (habits) can be detrimental and that the feeling of a crisis can support to escape our habits and change the way we act.
The King s Cross (big subway stop) fire happened on 18 November 1987 in London. There was burning tissue at one of the bottom of the long wooden escalators. A passenger recognizing this tissue informs the ticket taker about this incident. The Ticket taker in turn gets down and stamps it out and gets back to his office (without warning/calling anybody or wondering why there is a burning tissue). Some minutes later another passenger tells a policeman that she smells smoke in the escalator. The Policeman in turn goes out of subway station and calls the police dispatcher asking him if he can call the fire dispatcher and tell that there might be a fire at the subway station (instead of just walking down the street and talk to the fire dispatcher directly – but there are these unwritten rules in the London subway system). At some point the fire explodes and kills 31 people. The crazy thing is that 48 minutes separated the first person noticing the burning tissue and the explosion that have 31 people killed. Charles Duhigg explains that this happened because of organizational habits and there are these unwritten rules “just do what your job description says”. In fact, the people involved acted as they were told because they formed habits form trough the course of their on the job training – habits that are just hard to break trough.
The interesting thing is that after the fire, the parliament tried to institute a whole bunch of new reforms and none of the ever worked (e.g. reorganizing how the underground system worked). They simply could not overcome the corporate bureaucracy. hence, the government hired a public investigator to analyze how they could bring change to the system. The investigator who understood the concept of habits and crisis in turn contacted all families of the victims and invited (a year after) all the families who lost someone during this tragedy to tell their story in public. In addition, they started to lay down flowers at the King´s Cross station reigniting the sense of the crisis that there might be a fire again (and as well making the people always aware of the tragedy when they cross the flowers). By doing this they eventually changed the way the working force as well as public citizens behaved in the subway station.
A statement from the London Fire Brigade brings it to the point “However, this tragic fire has redefined policy on public transport, and led to changes that keep us all much safer today.”
So what this should finally show us is that a crisis increases our flexibility in the way that we can escape our habitual behavior making us recognize things we would usually not see or understand. Consequently, we actually become aware of wrong behavior, detrimental opinions and your own feelings/ emotions. A crisis helps us to change…but what if a crisis never happens?
No back to the main story here: 2 years after my personal crisis I am still amazed about how such small insights from various books and podcasts can make a huge difference in the quality of our life. Since then I changed my values and beliefs about many areas in life, now having a total different mindset than before. I am working constantly on my thinking and emotions and quite frankly, I have never felt more in control of everything that is happening inside of me and therefore what is happening “to me” externally. Consequently, I can only recommend to search for non-fiction podcasts and books dealing with these topics – or engage in my or other similar blogs 😉
With hindsight, the winter 2018 was probably the toughest yet also the most empowering time in my life. Certainly, the personal crisis I described is not one of the most traumatic ones you have ever heard nor would it have been necessary (in most cases) to consult somebody and search for external help. Yet, this personal “crisis” gave me the thought-provoking impulse to become more aware of what I want in life and the flexibility to change to the better. But again: What if a crisis never happens for you…?
Cheers, Nick
PS: Many of the topics mentioned (self talk, perception, understanding emotions, analyze your beliefs and values, rewiring) will be discussed in more depth in future posts since they are too important to just dedicate some brief thoughts to them.
I would be really grateful to get to know your take on personal crises and the effect on life. Did you have a personal crisis? If so, how did it effect you? Did you change? (you can either leave a comment or use the form below)
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